Crónicas de una Visita Anticipada
After I gave it much thought I knew I couldn't get past this. These feelings that have been eating my insides for quite a while. I knew I had to get help. I knew I had to talk to someone. A professional, 'Cause friends wouldn't cut it anymore. I needed something stronger, i needed a psychologist. So here I am, it's 5 minutes to 4:00PM and I can't stop thinking about what I am going to say. I had prepared a monologue on the way here but that was completely gone after I smoked 3 cigarettes and drank 2 beers. 'Cause this isn't normal for me. I'm not used to talking about what I feel. Or about who I am or whom I've become. I closed my eyes in the waiting room and put my mind on hold. I tried one of those relaxation exercises they teach you in school but it didnt work. Yolanda (the secretary) said to me in a loud voice: "Mr. Leon, She's ready for you". I opened my eyes, glanced at her, and then walked towards the door.
I entered an uncharted territory, the last place on Earth i thought I’d be in. I said hello to the lady and sat down in an awkwardly comfortable couch. She sat across from me with a pen in one hand and a notebook in the other. She was a small, black woman. Her hair was black, her fingernails were red and so was her lipstick. As i sat down I said: "Would you please not write anything, I get a little paranoid with you writing what I say". She didn't say anything she just put her notebook and pen on top of her desk. And then sat back with her arms on both sides of her chair. Her expression also changed. It was actually a weird expression, It was the kind of expression that said: I'm going to have a field trip with this one. Actually I couldn't agree more, I'm so fucked up that maybe she will have her field trip after all.
She asked me: "What can I do for you?", Suddenly I thought, yeah what the fuck can you do for me? Maybe nothing, maybe you can't really help people, maybe you can't even fix me. I looked at the ceiling for an answer that wasn't really there. After a couple of minutes of silence I said to her one syllable at a time, looking down: "I.am.unhappy". She answered smiling: "Yes, you are, fucking unhappy, but, do you know why you feel like this? Then I said to her looking confused: "Are you shitting me? Honestly, that's why i came to you..." And I pointed my finger at her. Her smile turned to a weird laugh as she said: " Me? I can't help you, No one can. And you know why? 'Cause you're already broken, I could try to paste you up but it wouldn't help. In the end you will end up self destructing and self loathing who you've become".
I can't believe this, I came to seek help and this motherfucker says i can't be helped, I scratched my forehead and said trying to deflect the obvious reality: "Yeah, my horoscope said that same thing last Tuesday". She said looking at me disappointed: "Listen I don't blame you, you came here looking for answers. Answers to questions you've had your whole life. But seriously I can't help you and I specially can't fix you. And you know why? 'Cause you hate yourself and you hate everyone around you. You have burned every bridge of friendship that you've built. The few that remain are already crumbling. They won't last long. So you look for me seeking advice. Rome is burning, and you are going to burn with it. It's just who you are. You had a girlfriend that didn't understand you, a father that didn't want you, a mother that loved you until you pushed her away. You officially have no one and I don't want you to drag me with you. Self destruct on another hell 'cause this one's full of people like you."
And then she showed me out of her door. I get out and Yolanda is gone there is no one there, the sky is darker than when i had come in. I turned around and the psychologist is also gone, I am alone, just as she predicted. I don't know why the fuck I came here. I'm on an empty waiting room, just like my life. I got out more confused than when I came in. I guess, after all she can't help me, no one can. I'm alone, I repel people and I have to get home. To a family that doesn't love me, to a place of no return.
...And then I woke up.
