Caps Locked

Its the decisions that thrive us, that lead us, that guides us.. The ones that'll make a brighter future and a darker past. The ones that took us to space and through times. The decisions that make a man survive or swell. Today i don't have an answer. What i do have is a decision to go after what i want.

YOU FUCKING DISSAPOINT ME

Wanting to do something, anything to turn this around but i can't. It's not in my hands, it's not my choice. I find myself screaming through my eyes. Sitting on my ass i'll get nothing done. Either way i'm fucked. Maybe we are better off this way. Maybe not. I wish that it were easier. I wish it were different. Someone stabbed me in the back. And i know who it was. I'm returning to my roots of hatred and anger. The one that got me into so much trouble. What can i do? There's nothing i can do. My hope is shattered once more. My last hope. I've nothing left in me to give. The little good, self reliance, pride, confidence it has all gone away. Now i know for sure that i'll never be like them. I can't get satisfied. I always want something more. That's not good at all. I turned my friendly hand into a fist. Fury, revenge, hate: that's all i can feel now. Sarcasm's knocking on my door. I can't make anything right. I always fuck things up, with my friends, with the univ, with my family, with my girl. I'm stuck in a hole so big that i might never get out. The deja vu of my life. I always know what's going to happen, i just don't always accept it. I am not wanted nor needed anymore. My girl left me alone once more.

Open your eyes..

I felt complete with you by my side. Even if it wasnt real. Even when i knew it wasnt going to be forever. I let my body feel that way for an instant because it had been a while since it had felt that way. Time will take everything away from you. Friends, family, youth. It will take it all and consume it. It's your choice what you do with the time at hand. Are you going to let it rot you away like most people do or are you going to do something about it? That's up to you. That night i decided to do something worth while. I fell in love for a night. And it felt good. But as i said a couple of days ago nothing good ever lasts. This didn't last. Almost everything worth living for won't last but it's your choice to make it happen or to play dead in the hospital bed of time. Too much knowledge can be tricky. To foresee the unforseen. The divine is always around us. Always around us. Sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don't. That night i felt something so much meaningful, inspiring, magical, true.

IT ISNT ENOUGH

Our conversation started out strong and it ended up so thin. How could this shoe box get in between? Beats me but at least i talked to her. Another day = Another Disappointment. Doubt fills my head. Is it better for you to leave my heart or my head?
Maybe both, maybe non. As the minutes slow down the meter keeps running. The whore of time is always counting and always charging your sins. It doesn't matter how much girls and pussy I get at the very last moment of the day (the moment before you go to bed), the one in which you meditate on the things you did or said. I feel so lonely despite all the pleasure i get and i don't know what to do. If God could please just give me a hand. A little help would be nice. I admit it. I don't want be lonely anymore. I want to live at best. At last i want to live. Really live life as it was meant to be lived. I want to be able to say : I don't care what I'll do today as long as you are there with me. I still have hope. I have found a girl thats worth my last breath. A girl that deserves my best and i intend to give it to her if she gives me a chance to prove myself. I just hate it when you never know her intentions with you. Last night i went to bed depressed. Like rock bottom down. But tonight, yes tonight, I'll go to bed with a purpose to get up the next morning. The never dying hope that everyone else tries to kill but God puts it back in us, cause he knows what's best. I like to believe that this will work out and that my life would get back on track. It actually makes me wonder:
Could this be the one?
Is it too late to try?
Have i lost my mind somewhere along the line?
What if it doesn't love you back?
What if I can't love at all?
Maybe it's just like in the stars: From dust we come and to dust we will return.
My dusty young heart is pounding eagerly waiting for answers that wont come at last. It was never meant to be this way. It was never meant to be this way. It was never meant to be this way, but it is And I'm slowly learning that fact. I don't like what i see in this world. Hatred between brothers. Guns, diseases and others. Corruption and war. The killing and the stealing. The suicide men and airplanes. Technology was made by the devil. Vile and vicious thoughts in the mind of the youngs. Love and Hope almost nowhere to be found. And here I lay silently at the very End of the World with no other words than I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we are all dying. I'm sorry for the problems I've caused you. I'm sorry for all the trophies i never brought home. I'm sorry for all the times i stood there watching an injustice. I'm sorry for all injustice. I'm sorry because the depression got the best of me. I'm sorry for the times hatred filled my heart. I'm sorry for the way I'm living my life. I'm sorry because I'm not your favorite one. I'm sorry for your loss of all those good people that were once by your side. I'm sorry because I know sorry Isn't enough.

INEVITABLE

Something inevitable is happening. The sound of disgrace. The feel of shame. Self reliance has gone to waste. Fear is knocking on my door. Mean while my pride is rock bottom. The floor is calling me in. The walls stretching within. South of heaven, north of hell. Nobody knows whats in between. Maybe death, life, or maybe I'm just talking about something i know nothing about. The need of power. The alpha male. Nothing else matters right now. You just care that you don't care. The outsider that has his head up his butt. Disarm those willing to give up. Let go of the ones who don't care at all, like me. The end of the world. Another asteroid will crash or maybe technology will unmask it's true form. Cancer's doing his part why can't you? That's not what we shook on. Our last hope on it's primary form: Love. I just don't know what's worth living or dying for anymore. Pause. Every thing's not lost today. Get up and fuck up. That's what we're here for. Don't let the mistakes kill your light. It's not worth tonight. Fight back. Peace for all. You should care that your dying. Close the door on your way out. FUCK.

BACK THEN

Now thats the girl i fell in love with back then. Time passes. Time fucking passes. I lost you out of fear. I never meant to let you go. It just happened. A mistake. A regret. A moment of weakness in a life of strength. The hair and the eyes. Your smile. That same smile that took me to heaven every time it showed me it's pearls. I still sleep on the same bed where your body used to lay. Motionless it staid, waiting for a reaction to the action of the night before. And i can't believe it all has gone away. Time took it from me. Your smell, my drug. Your body i desired. Your character inspired my own. But time took it all away. My days are not happy as then. Now i worry. Now i cry. Now i drink in regret. There was non of that when you were by my side. Because all i ever wanted or needed I had. Now i feel empty no matter how much action i get. Its like swimming in a lake, wanting salt water. Despite they're both water, it's not the same. You left my heart one day. I tried to move on. And i kind of did. I just miss those days in which my skies were bluer. The grass was greener. The sun was brighter, and the nights were warmer. Darkness was as far as Jupiter. And now its as close as Earth. I guess its true what Robert Frost once said: "Nothing Gold can stay". But at nights before i go to sleep i say to myself: "Stay Gold, pony boy". Just for hope. Hope that there's someone out there that will make my skies bluer. To give the hatred away. Make way for love. At least it was worth the wait, right?

G.A.

My last hope. My last sunset over monroeville. I guess its hard to believe you out of all women. I got to give it to you. I was blinded. I didn't see that punch coming my way until it hit me. I am officially lost. It doesn't matter now huh. You got what you wanted. Everyone was roting for you. Kudos to you 'cause you proved them right. You want him, you got him. Of all possible endings this had to be the one. A single letter. A final goodbye. Ill crawl back from the hole i came and you get to do whatever the fuck you want without an ounce of regret.