The things we love are always first to go

I know i shouldn't be writing this letter. Its inappropriate, and a little bit desperate. I also know that if i gathered the courage to write it, i should also have the courage to send it. There are no shortcuts to heaven, i learned this the moment i met you. Throughout my life I've made countless mistakes which i sooner or later regret. But yours i regret everyday. And i realize this because you don't wake up next to me. Your smell, your silly laugh, I miss you. And i know it sounds out of the blue, but i do, i really miss you. I miss that night when my moon were your eyes and my tomorrow was you. I miss our talks, i miss our fights. I miss all those seconds lost from time. But i guess non of this matters now. Because you made a choice. Unlike me you followed your heart and it led you to him. I hope you'll never forget me, cause I know i'll always remember you. The things we love are always first to go..."aún hoy aún hay".

PS

Maybe this was never meant to be. All that it was is what it is. I just can't believe it slipped out of my hand, but then again it wasn't my choice was it? I did all i could, but a couple of laughs couldn't cut it. You needed someone that'll be there 24/7. I tend to forget that 21st century girls have a funny way of choosing their lovers, or letting some go for that matter. And now I'm all alone, staring at a face upside down. Regretting a mistake i never should have made. Now you're leaving everything behind. Tonight you'll probably arrive to a different World, and once you get off that plane, it will be impossible for me to try. So the most i can do is wish you goodbye.

St.Money

Why do i ask for numbers that i'll never use? Why do i breath air when i could breath smoke? Why do i remember when i could forget? It kept reminding me what could never be...Or what it was but isn't anymore. I had to get out, had to get real. I need to give letters to the numbers, i need to give the words meaning. I wish for so many things, though i don't really need any of them.

Publicity makes us buy shit we don't need. Just like love. Romance, eternal soul mates. Non of that is real. And no matter how many movies you see, life does not have a happy ending from where i come from. The World is dying like us. Every passing second, every second projection is one less reflection of light. And everything I wanted is looking further and further away. I know you are. So talk now or forever hold your thought. Look me in the eye and tell me what your heart knows. Forget about material things. That's the hardest thing to ask a girl. You know something? More than once I'm sitting in restaurants hanging out with friends. And i look around to see who's there and i see this cutest girls with the ugliest guys and I feel lost I'm like what? And then as they leave i see the valet bring them their porsches and A4s and then i realize what the girls see in them.

I guess we all sacrifice something for security, i just didn't know happiness was one of them. 

O.O.O

Is it selling arms or selling your body, either one, i can't believe you can still breath just fine. Cigarettes tend to burn one's head. Government just stares and waits. The sky turns blue as the sea turns red. Does it ever end? Does it ever end? You just grab my hand and look into my eyes. And you push away all that's mine. You cleanse me from myself and my mind. You megadose me into space and time. You catapult me into cocaine lines. And then you push me back to earth where i shall divine. Fight the good fight with the heroes. No one tends to think of them killers. You just wait and see just like the government is. We shall devour each other at the World's end. It's coming so prepare, i hear the roars from the dead looming the plains. When we all go to sleep the all turn to rest. One phone call, One stop. One kiss. Good bye.

No hero in our sky

I can't believe how an idea can change the world. How four letters together are worth dying for. How everything in life can go in the blink of an eye. And how one day could pass as a lifetime. We all meet people during our time here on earth. Some good some bad, but in the end they influence you and who we become. Days are nothing compared to nights and still here we are. Searching for something. Searching for something nobody really knows what it looks like. Many people search without even knowing what they're searching for.

The meaning of life, of happiness, of everything we are supposed to accomplish. I'll tell you something though, i'd trade all the money in the world to catch a glimpse of what happiness looks like and how it feels. At the end of the rainbow lies no gold, only snowflakes. So what's really our purpose here if not to do what we were born to do. If not to be happy. I'll say repel everything bad from your life. Everything that's slowing you down of being who you were meant to be. It doesn't matter your age, your color, how much money you have in the bank, but how much love you have in your heart. And trust me on this, it's not hard but it's not easy. So, if an idea can change the world, when will the World change the idea. The idea that money is what it matters. Your name, your family. What's the price of our values? Where does our education sleep? When will the criticism die? Cause i wont backdown, until the hypocrisy ends. Even when my hands bleed from all the repressing words i'll write. I write because i think. And if i think therefore I am. And if I am then I can. There's no limitation binding our mental form. Our imagination is timeless, and infinite. Necessity creates opportunity.

So what will happen to the generation bound for money, cloth and fame. I guess those heroes we see on t.v. only exist in our minds. Because I don't see no one strong enough to live by their words. They just die. I guess our generation is the one to bring all down. Starting with the presidents. Leaders that don't know how to lead their own homes. So i start to think, what will be of the world tomorrow, where people are more drawn of acting to be a hero than actually being one. Everyone has a power hidden, but no less true. That's the power of change. The power of thinking. A couple of decades ago you couldn't speak your mind. People died so that we all could have the freedom of speech we have now a days. But that's just not enough this days. Most people write words that have no true meaning, words that might be printed but they fade away fast. What happened to the words that were stuck in our hearts and that never faded away? Our heroes left the Earth and never came back.

Valhala

Everybody goes
Where they are feared the most
And i can't help but to think
Where have you gone

Cause i've been standing still
Waiting for your decision
There's no more time to kill
So tell me where is my prison

You can lie to the sky
That you can see the sun at night
But i see the truth in your eyes
You are never coming back

The ghost of you shall stay
And make me company
No longer I have to say
We will be together until the end

Faith

Today was very tiring for me. I didn't have time to breath nor did i have time to see the sky. I woke up very early in the morning and went back home very late at night. It's hard when you have so many responsibilities. Needless to say I'm just a kid. If this is me without any sons or daughters. Without any houses or debts. I wouldn't want to imagine the stress of the millions of people that have a million more things to do on their day. God knows everything. He knows what you want, when you want it and how you want it. You just don't know it yet. And I'm not the most devoted christian, but I believe God works in mysterious ways. I was a witness of that today. Sometimes he knows what you need even before you ask him.

I'm not the type of person that believes in coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Everything that goes up, has to come down eventually. The harm you do to others we'll return to you, maybe not in the same form, but it will. The forces of nature all work accordingly. The whole universe bends on the same side.

My life has always been held on in cycles. Love cycles, death cycles, depression cycles. And I'm sensing that one is going to go down soon. My money's on the depression cycle. But who knows.

Better to try and fail

So here i am, returning from a too long writing vacation. i dont know if its that i was to lazy or that there wasnt nothing going on.
I think its the first one cause to tell you the truth a lot has been going on lately. Mostly in my heart. It was broken once more. But i got back from the ashes and i know what a cliche. I got back from the dead. And even though you judge me i judge myself even more. I dont know if i was desperate to feel anything at all or just to have someone to hold on to. But i couldnt get neither, instead i got terrible experience that ultimately lead to my renewal. I know exactly where it happened and how it happened but i'm not going to go into many details. I just understood that this world has a balance. That there are no coincidences. That what happens happens for a reason. That God is in everything and everyone. The sun comes up for everyone not just for a few. Not everything is what it seems. That its better to fail than never to have tried. That love like matter cannot be destroyed, it can only be changed. I realized that there were some things in my life not worth fighting for. And that there were some worth my time and my blood. So in the end what can you do? Sit down and live the rest of your life feeling and acting like a victim. Or getting up and move on like a true warrior should do. Nothing can bring you down, only yourself. And not even then will you give in. I also learned to live every minute of every hour. Without thinking of what to do next. Without thinking back on mistakes i've done. I'm beginning to live the present as the present and not as a reflection of the future or the past. I have learned to enjoy every moment sad or happy, true or false. There are just somethings that are not for us to decide. Short of breath ill tell you stop worrying so much.

Caps Locked

Its the decisions that thrive us, that lead us, that guides us.. The ones that'll make a brighter future and a darker past. The ones that took us to space and through times. The decisions that make a man survive or swell. Today i don't have an answer. What i do have is a decision to go after what i want.

YOU FUCKING DISSAPOINT ME

Wanting to do something, anything to turn this around but i can't. It's not in my hands, it's not my choice. I find myself screaming through my eyes. Sitting on my ass i'll get nothing done. Either way i'm fucked. Maybe we are better off this way. Maybe not. I wish that it were easier. I wish it were different. Someone stabbed me in the back. And i know who it was. I'm returning to my roots of hatred and anger. The one that got me into so much trouble. What can i do? There's nothing i can do. My hope is shattered once more. My last hope. I've nothing left in me to give. The little good, self reliance, pride, confidence it has all gone away. Now i know for sure that i'll never be like them. I can't get satisfied. I always want something more. That's not good at all. I turned my friendly hand into a fist. Fury, revenge, hate: that's all i can feel now. Sarcasm's knocking on my door. I can't make anything right. I always fuck things up, with my friends, with the univ, with my family, with my girl. I'm stuck in a hole so big that i might never get out. The deja vu of my life. I always know what's going to happen, i just don't always accept it. I am not wanted nor needed anymore. My girl left me alone once more.

Open your eyes..

I felt complete with you by my side. Even if it wasnt real. Even when i knew it wasnt going to be forever. I let my body feel that way for an instant because it had been a while since it had felt that way. Time will take everything away from you. Friends, family, youth. It will take it all and consume it. It's your choice what you do with the time at hand. Are you going to let it rot you away like most people do or are you going to do something about it? That's up to you. That night i decided to do something worth while. I fell in love for a night. And it felt good. But as i said a couple of days ago nothing good ever lasts. This didn't last. Almost everything worth living for won't last but it's your choice to make it happen or to play dead in the hospital bed of time. Too much knowledge can be tricky. To foresee the unforseen. The divine is always around us. Always around us. Sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don't. That night i felt something so much meaningful, inspiring, magical, true.

IT ISNT ENOUGH

Our conversation started out strong and it ended up so thin. How could this shoe box get in between? Beats me but at least i talked to her. Another day = Another Disappointment. Doubt fills my head. Is it better for you to leave my heart or my head?
Maybe both, maybe non. As the minutes slow down the meter keeps running. The whore of time is always counting and always charging your sins. It doesn't matter how much girls and pussy I get at the very last moment of the day (the moment before you go to bed), the one in which you meditate on the things you did or said. I feel so lonely despite all the pleasure i get and i don't know what to do. If God could please just give me a hand. A little help would be nice. I admit it. I don't want be lonely anymore. I want to live at best. At last i want to live. Really live life as it was meant to be lived. I want to be able to say : I don't care what I'll do today as long as you are there with me. I still have hope. I have found a girl thats worth my last breath. A girl that deserves my best and i intend to give it to her if she gives me a chance to prove myself. I just hate it when you never know her intentions with you. Last night i went to bed depressed. Like rock bottom down. But tonight, yes tonight, I'll go to bed with a purpose to get up the next morning. The never dying hope that everyone else tries to kill but God puts it back in us, cause he knows what's best. I like to believe that this will work out and that my life would get back on track. It actually makes me wonder:
Could this be the one?
Is it too late to try?
Have i lost my mind somewhere along the line?
What if it doesn't love you back?
What if I can't love at all?
Maybe it's just like in the stars: From dust we come and to dust we will return.
My dusty young heart is pounding eagerly waiting for answers that wont come at last. It was never meant to be this way. It was never meant to be this way. It was never meant to be this way, but it is And I'm slowly learning that fact. I don't like what i see in this world. Hatred between brothers. Guns, diseases and others. Corruption and war. The killing and the stealing. The suicide men and airplanes. Technology was made by the devil. Vile and vicious thoughts in the mind of the youngs. Love and Hope almost nowhere to be found. And here I lay silently at the very End of the World with no other words than I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we are all dying. I'm sorry for the problems I've caused you. I'm sorry for all the trophies i never brought home. I'm sorry for all the times i stood there watching an injustice. I'm sorry for all injustice. I'm sorry because the depression got the best of me. I'm sorry for the times hatred filled my heart. I'm sorry for the way I'm living my life. I'm sorry because I'm not your favorite one. I'm sorry for your loss of all those good people that were once by your side. I'm sorry because I know sorry Isn't enough.

INEVITABLE

Something inevitable is happening. The sound of disgrace. The feel of shame. Self reliance has gone to waste. Fear is knocking on my door. Mean while my pride is rock bottom. The floor is calling me in. The walls stretching within. South of heaven, north of hell. Nobody knows whats in between. Maybe death, life, or maybe I'm just talking about something i know nothing about. The need of power. The alpha male. Nothing else matters right now. You just care that you don't care. The outsider that has his head up his butt. Disarm those willing to give up. Let go of the ones who don't care at all, like me. The end of the world. Another asteroid will crash or maybe technology will unmask it's true form. Cancer's doing his part why can't you? That's not what we shook on. Our last hope on it's primary form: Love. I just don't know what's worth living or dying for anymore. Pause. Every thing's not lost today. Get up and fuck up. That's what we're here for. Don't let the mistakes kill your light. It's not worth tonight. Fight back. Peace for all. You should care that your dying. Close the door on your way out. FUCK.

BACK THEN

Now thats the girl i fell in love with back then. Time passes. Time fucking passes. I lost you out of fear. I never meant to let you go. It just happened. A mistake. A regret. A moment of weakness in a life of strength. The hair and the eyes. Your smile. That same smile that took me to heaven every time it showed me it's pearls. I still sleep on the same bed where your body used to lay. Motionless it staid, waiting for a reaction to the action of the night before. And i can't believe it all has gone away. Time took it from me. Your smell, my drug. Your body i desired. Your character inspired my own. But time took it all away. My days are not happy as then. Now i worry. Now i cry. Now i drink in regret. There was non of that when you were by my side. Because all i ever wanted or needed I had. Now i feel empty no matter how much action i get. Its like swimming in a lake, wanting salt water. Despite they're both water, it's not the same. You left my heart one day. I tried to move on. And i kind of did. I just miss those days in which my skies were bluer. The grass was greener. The sun was brighter, and the nights were warmer. Darkness was as far as Jupiter. And now its as close as Earth. I guess its true what Robert Frost once said: "Nothing Gold can stay". But at nights before i go to sleep i say to myself: "Stay Gold, pony boy". Just for hope. Hope that there's someone out there that will make my skies bluer. To give the hatred away. Make way for love. At least it was worth the wait, right?

G.A.

My last hope. My last sunset over monroeville. I guess its hard to believe you out of all women. I got to give it to you. I was blinded. I didn't see that punch coming my way until it hit me. I am officially lost. It doesn't matter now huh. You got what you wanted. Everyone was roting for you. Kudos to you 'cause you proved them right. You want him, you got him. Of all possible endings this had to be the one. A single letter. A final goodbye. Ill crawl back from the hole i came and you get to do whatever the fuck you want without an ounce of regret.

PITY

Wouldn't it be great if you could have a help button in life. Just push it and you know what to do. Or to have a sign out option. When you need some time to think things through you just log out of life to take a break from this society. The score tonight is 2-0. 2 being women, 0 being my pride. The guy that said that life was balance was clearly high. The truth always hurts. Specially when you're as down as me. That shit is more lethal than alcohol, drugs, cigarettes. So watch out everybody. Sometimes you just gotta let go you know? Hanging on to a moment, a loved one, a friendship is not always the best thing to do. Maybe thats the problem in the first place. Admitting there was a problem. Now to quote death cab for cutie "So one last touch and then you'll go. And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more. But it was vile, and it was cheap and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me". That last touch meant the World to me. There was too much pressure. My hope at the time was dangling on a tremulous rope. I did all i could to save her, but she slipped through my fingers once more. Maybe it was vile, but it wasn't cheap. It was out of pity but she still got the best of me.

TRADING DREAMS FOR PENNIES

In the end we are all going to look the same, taste the same, be the same, feel the same.. so why worry for today? If it'll be the same as yesterday except with less pussy. Promises are made. Dreams are in motion. Promises are broken. Dreams are not wanted anymore. I'm trading dreams for pennies. Anyone interested? Holding auction until my last breath. Some way out. No room to hide like in the movies. No blanket to comfort me when I shiver. No sun to warm the cold earth. Not enough poison to damage your veins. I guess no more. I know I'm fucked in a million different ways. Just as I once fucked the mind of time. It all comes to an end. No mother to seethe me baby. I am officially a walking dead. The part that matters most is dead. The battery that kept this clock in motion has run out. And no, no spares left to replace the last. Anger has gone away. All thats left is enough pain to kill an elephant. Darkness wins the best of me. Women are bitches, Who would want them? me. Who could possibly desire them? Me. Who needs them? ME. Escaping from reality i wish to fantasize ones more. I want to prove for myself that "impossible is nothing". But what i would really want is a change of heart. Cause this ones too messed up and broken in so many ways that it can't do what it was made for.

Darkness

Women are bitches. They take you to the sky and then they let you fall. As the song says "Some nights i wish that the sun would never show its face". Saturday night i wish that the sun would've never shown its face. How is it that they can fool me so easily? Why is it that I fall so hard, so fast? Women are fakers. Ironically i love women but that doesn't mean i don't hate them either. Now i specially hate one for making the worst that she could've done to me. She made me hope for a new tomorrow. And i knew it wouldn't last forever. Nevertheless it was hope at the very dark end of the road. But then i couldn't see anything. I fell in the abyss. Slowly but surely.

Collide

Why is it that under the shadow of the sun, shades on, an overcrowding chill rolls up in your spine? I'm in a car driving 10,000 miles an hour on a highway called love. And i don't know how i got here. I was just minding my own business then all of the sudden i was put out. I was dragged out of reality and into this world where madness rules. I can't seem to get my life on track. I'm not ok. Im not fucking ok. Without any inch of privacy i am dreprived of a right. The right to love your love. The thing is i can't. I can't love anymore. And that's something i've been finding out about myself lately. I'm not made for that. I thought i was. But im not. And thats a problem. Again, im not ok. Everywhere i look, i see couples kissing or hugging or holding hands. And i dare to ask myself: Am i ever going to be like them? Everywhere there's temptation, almost nowhere: hope. The fear of dying alone is overshadowed by the fear of living alone.

FORBBIDEN CRUSH

The heart of a man is fragile. Its easily broken and almost impossible to put entirely back together as it was before the crush. The primary hunch. It leaves little pieces every time it falls in love; every time there’s a break up. It’s like a bird taking his first flight and crashes into an invisible wall that everybody knows it’s there but him. The bird will be scared for life and will constantly be on the watch for invisible walls, and in extreme circumstances he won’t fly ever again. Just when I thought I was over her. The claws of love pulled me back into the firing pit that’s barely above hell, and miles away from heaven. You have one shot, one chance for happiness. Almost everyone falls because they are too scared or too dumb to open their eyes and see that the real treasure of happiness has been standing right in front of him the whole time. I for one have been to hell and back just to feel a little fire; just to feel alive. The pounding love riot ready to release its fury. Standing at the gates of my heart ready to burst it open once more. There’s just this ounce of honor; pride still left in me forbidding me to go for it. She’s taken, she has a boyfriend; karma’s a bitch. Every thought strikes my mind like lightning in the middle of the day. Cigarettes and whiskey don’t cut it anymore. Sure, you feel a moment of joy, happiness and specially HOPE. But when the smoke clears and the effect of the alcohol vanishes, the hope you had built up goes too and something called reality takes over. One wakes up with an idea in the head contrary to what really is happening. An idea that the night before seemed likes the only way out of the agony. And you wake up feeling good about yourself no knowing why. There’s a possibility you might be the hero in her sky. But there’s a higher probability that you are just another grain of sand in an endless beach. There’s nothing that differences you from other people. You’re no longer special; to her you are just another guy. That’s the fear that keeps you up at night. That keeps you like a silent vigilante. You don’t have any patience for the future nor hope for a new beginning or a better tomorrow. Your eyes are open but your heart is closed. Nature has played a dirty trick on you. Destiny is nothing but a mockery of the past. Before you know it the love riot’s so strong, so fierce, that it never surrenders; it never retreats. It stays hidden, waiting, holding, taking, wanting, and needing. The ounce of honor and pride is leaking. The riot slowly drains it away. The pounding gets stronger than ever. Blinded by the truth you’re back on the roller coaster of a helpless crush. The love riot breaks free. The cigarette burns out. Only when it’s too late you know, you realize it… YOU’RE FUCKED.

PRETENDER

You’re just a fucking pretender, and that’s all you’ll ever be to me. I can’t believe you. Just when I thought you were going to take us fucking serious you go and fuck me again. You know what fuck it. I don’t give a fuck anymore. It’s like you had a double fucking personality, one that wants me, and another one that hates me. Cut me some slack. Fuck. When you are with me it’s like heaven, but when you realize what you are doing; Thoughts start running through your head and you start thinking straight. And that heaven you fantasized about turns into hell. And most importantly you think of me as another fucking devil burning on the pit of hell. I don’t fucking need this shit. HAVE A NICE LIFE fucking pretender and excuse me while I take another sip of whiskey.

The thing that should not be.

i feel like shit. I did something yesterday that i promised myself i was never going to do again. So much for honour.. Im an asshole, Im a motherfucking asshole. You are supossed to learn from your mistakes right? then why the fuck do I always end up repeating them. I guess that's what i do. I was watching The Last Samurai earlier and they were talking about honor. You don't see honorable people in this society anymore. There aren't. I'm in a dark place right now. I just hope that the person forgives me.

2008

For a lot of people is a new beginning. Good for them. Funny thing about new beginnings is that along the way mistakes tend to catch up. When it rains, burried substances arise to the surface. And one does ponder the possibility that it would've been better to just face them at that time. As for me, im not really the believer of a new year i mean, you wake up being the same person, same place, same fucking weather. For me, its the same shit. My advice for this New Year is that if you want a fresh start, you may have it, just don't do it to run away from the mistakes you've made in the past, do it for the right reasons.

Confessions

What happens when you find out that everything you have done in life was worthless and you look in the mirror and there's a void where your heart used to be? I guess you'll never know.. 'Cause your life's so fucking perfect and mine is so fucking lame. Girls that are serious don't want me 'cause of the mistakes of my past, and the other girls just want a one night stand with this fucked up man. I guess i'll never know if all of it was worth the trouble. I'm not regreating any, in fact i'm glad that the little i've done has shaken up the foundations of someone, peace out...

"MONEY TALKS>BULLSHIT WALKS"

Yesterday i paid 70 bucks to go to a new year's party, it was in a club called praia. I supossed it was going to be a good one since i paid a small fortune to get in. And when im inside the fucking party sucked. THere was nobody. 50 people tops. I said fuck im getting out of here. I went to this other club called TAO. I went with a couple of my friends. We knew the bouncers. When we arrived at the door he told us we needed a ticket to get in. My other friends were like sucking up to him. I dont like to be a suck up so i let them do the work. After 15 min waiting i got impatient and said to my friends "fuck it guys we come every weekends and now this fuckers wont cut us some slack. fuck them man lets get out of here" but they didnt listen and the bouncer let them in. And said to me "You see, your friends played it cool, but you got mad and now all your friends are inside and you are here" So i stayed there without moving and the bouncer asked me "Are you still angry?" "I was like hell no"(i needed to say what he wanted to hear) he was like ok. and then he let me in. I go upstairs and i wanted to get inside the VIP were all my friends were. Same shit. I knew the guy and when i try to get in. He was like man you come every weekend and i play it cool with you, always letting you in and you never give me any green. whats up with that. And i was like fuck. So i had to give him some and he let me in. So at the end of the day "MONEY TALKS> BULLSHIT WALKS"..